Windows smashed
Broken glass on floor
Act of ghost?
Wind blows strongly
Flew up my red skirt
A street show
Invisible hand
Feeding me with food
May your life be blessed
A familiar face
Stares at me with puffy eyes
My own reflection
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I am me....
a person who tries to grab every opportunity, though have found it difficult to comply with all the 'norms' and 'rule' and 'stigma' that gets in the way...
a person who tries to hold everything with her two hands, though realising that her two feet are in opposite direction...
a person who tries to take into account the confusion, the joy, the misery, the mistery of life, though totally aware that she can't have everything...
i am me...simply me...
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Learning is fun ...Potato Year 2008 at Moreland Primary School
The children are celebrating International Potato Year 2008 during the education week at MPS. They learn anything about potato; from how, when and where it grow to nutrient to how to cook potato in many different dish. On the d-day, they show their potato decoration and potato competition on fattest, heaviest and weirdest..Learning is fun!!!
Hunting this potato what makes the journey so special..due to our hectic schedule, me and my kids went out after dark to a nearby supermarket, only to look for an unusual potato. But the time spent, the laugh when we saw a weird potato, the debate over what potato to choose, was just fascinating. Yup, there are things that baby sitter or nanny or maid can't replace..the family bond!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
"We have each other", said my children
Last Sunday, 4 May 2008, I had an accident when my wallet was stolen by a thief in Melbourne Central. I was shattered as I had everything in there. Just like everyone, I put every important cards in my wallet, money (in which I lost quite a fortune....) and pictures...Pictures that connected me with my past. Picture of my newborn son, Anugrah, when he was an hour old, picture of my five months daughter, Savira, in her daddy's lap, my wedding picture, my childhood picture when I was about 3 or 4 years old..and many more!! The lost was overwhelming!!
First thing came to my mind was calling my husband in Indonesia. As usual, his response was so tender and calm. "Even life can be taken away", said he. It seems that he knew I wouldn't be able to rest afterwards, he kept sending me texts and emails, comforting me not to think about the accident. Jokingly, he said that my wallet was meant to retire from my hands. All I need now is a new wallet and filling it with hard work again..But we still have to learn from the lesson. No matter where we are, what we do, and when we do it, we always have to be careful. One more thing, never ever use a backpack again. I always thought that living in a developed country such Australia, will be a safe place to use backpack. It turns out that my hypothesis proved to be wrong!!!
What did my children react to this?? Amazing.... Nugra couldn't stop crying and asking if I were allright. He even made me toast for lunch to put my smiles back on my face. Surprisingly, Vira hugged me from behind and whispering that 'We still have each other, mum'.....
First thing came to my mind was calling my husband in Indonesia. As usual, his response was so tender and calm. "Even life can be taken away", said he. It seems that he knew I wouldn't be able to rest afterwards, he kept sending me texts and emails, comforting me not to think about the accident. Jokingly, he said that my wallet was meant to retire from my hands. All I need now is a new wallet and filling it with hard work again..But we still have to learn from the lesson. No matter where we are, what we do, and when we do it, we always have to be careful. One more thing, never ever use a backpack again. I always thought that living in a developed country such Australia, will be a safe place to use backpack. It turns out that my hypothesis proved to be wrong!!!
What did my children react to this?? Amazing.... Nugra couldn't stop crying and asking if I were allright. He even made me toast for lunch to put my smiles back on my face. Surprisingly, Vira hugged me from behind and whispering that 'We still have each other, mum'.....
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The story below is not mine, but so inspiring that I thought I would love to keep it here. Every time I face a rough time and a bumpy road, this story will enlighten me and remind me of all the good side in every dark times.
May we all aspire to be a coffee bean:)
Carrots, Eggs, & Coffee!
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again. A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!
May we all aspire to be a coffee bean:)
Carrots, Eggs, & Coffee!
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again. A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
What is love?
Yesterday I received an email from one of the mailing list that I join. It's about the meaning of love. The answers given by 4-8 years old children were touching, beautiful and open the adults' mind to enter children's world. Most of the answer are related to how their mom and dad are behaving toward each other. Indeed, child can be a great observer.
But then, it makes me think of my family as well. How would my children learn about love when their parents are living in two separate home? How would they learn about love when they, too, living separately? Hm...
But, I don't have to be too concern, do I? Nugrah called me and his dad as 'LOVE BIRDS'. This notion is enough to make me think that my own kids have their own interpretation of what love is!
Happy reading!
Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Nugrah's funniest moments
This post is meant to record the funniest moment that Nugra has created.
He was only about 4 years old when we went around Surabaya and ended up in furniture exhibition. A sofa with 'Do not seat' sign was arranged beautifully in one of the corner. Unaware with the sign, Nugra sat comfortably until I told him about the sign. Instead of standing up, Nugra chose to sleep on it! Hm...sit is different with sleep, right??
One afternoon, me, Kak Chali and Nugra were walking home after praying in the nearby mosque. Worried about Nugrah's safety, my husband asked me the english translation for "jalan di pinggir". Nugrah heard his father and replied, in english "Don't walk in the middle, bapak"...yup, we can look at everything from any perpectives, right??
Nugra loves history books. Ancient egypt, roman empire, famous people, invention, primitive life etc. One day he asked me "mum, who lived earlier? cave men or nabi Ibrahim?" I asked why? and he said, he read in a book that cave men found fire, and that, another book said one of Nabi Ibrahim's miracle was to walk through fire. He concluded that cave men must had been lived earlier. But then, he was confused again with Nabi Adam, as the first human created by Allah. So, did Nabi Adam a cave man? Nugra was about 5 or 6 at that time. His curiosity made me research again on the history of human...never underestimate what a child is capable of, right??
One day my mother went to the mall with Nugra. Nugra wanted to buy game, and my mother asked if he had money or not. Nugra answered "no, but I have my grandma with me"..hahaha..
Another day in Singapore, my mother nursed my children while I attended a conference with Kak Chali. They strolled around the city when, my mother said, they saw a young man helping his grandma walking. My mother said to Nugra that he also had to help her when he become a young man. Nugra replied 'but you won't live that long, mami??' ...oh...nugra..nugra..
Nugra is supposed to wear glasses but keep refusing to do it. He will come up with so many reasons to avoid wearing ones. One day, we went for an eye test. The opthometrist asked nugra if he can read the letters. Nugra said "of course I can if I don't stand too far from the board"..hahaha..
It was a family day. We chose to go to Gramedia, Makassar. Once we got there, everyone was busy with their books. Nugrah and I were two aisle apart from each other. He was in best selling section while I was in housing. I was so occupied with my own interest when I heard Nugrah, asked me a question, with a very loud voice: 'Mom, what is kelamin?'.... Everyone looked up and smiled...phew!!
He was only about 4 years old when we went around Surabaya and ended up in furniture exhibition. A sofa with 'Do not seat' sign was arranged beautifully in one of the corner. Unaware with the sign, Nugra sat comfortably until I told him about the sign. Instead of standing up, Nugra chose to sleep on it! Hm...sit is different with sleep, right??
One afternoon, me, Kak Chali and Nugra were walking home after praying in the nearby mosque. Worried about Nugrah's safety, my husband asked me the english translation for "jalan di pinggir". Nugrah heard his father and replied, in english "Don't walk in the middle, bapak"...yup, we can look at everything from any perpectives, right??
Nugra loves history books. Ancient egypt, roman empire, famous people, invention, primitive life etc. One day he asked me "mum, who lived earlier? cave men or nabi Ibrahim?" I asked why? and he said, he read in a book that cave men found fire, and that, another book said one of Nabi Ibrahim's miracle was to walk through fire. He concluded that cave men must had been lived earlier. But then, he was confused again with Nabi Adam, as the first human created by Allah. So, did Nabi Adam a cave man? Nugra was about 5 or 6 at that time. His curiosity made me research again on the history of human...never underestimate what a child is capable of, right??
One day my mother went to the mall with Nugra. Nugra wanted to buy game, and my mother asked if he had money or not. Nugra answered "no, but I have my grandma with me"..hahaha..
Another day in Singapore, my mother nursed my children while I attended a conference with Kak Chali. They strolled around the city when, my mother said, they saw a young man helping his grandma walking. My mother said to Nugra that he also had to help her when he become a young man. Nugra replied 'but you won't live that long, mami??' ...oh...nugra..nugra..
Nugra is supposed to wear glasses but keep refusing to do it. He will come up with so many reasons to avoid wearing ones. One day, we went for an eye test. The opthometrist asked nugra if he can read the letters. Nugra said "of course I can if I don't stand too far from the board"..hahaha..
It was a family day. We chose to go to Gramedia, Makassar. Once we got there, everyone was busy with their books. Nugrah and I were two aisle apart from each other. He was in best selling section while I was in housing. I was so occupied with my own interest when I heard Nugrah, asked me a question, with a very loud voice: 'Mom, what is kelamin?'.... Everyone looked up and smiled...phew!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
My children, how fast you both have grown...
What a proud mom I am!
It seems like yesterday when I hold little tiny Savira in my arms. I still remember vividly when I wiggled her toes, watched her first step during her first birthday, smiling at her swaying body when she tried to walk steadily, dressed her up and made her hair do with a cute bandana and ribbon. I remember my terrible fear when she was almost drown during bathing, fell from her carriage.
Yesterday and today, Savira has been cooking a delicious pudding caramel. The day before she had succeeded in making the chocolate muffin. For my birthday, Savira presented me with her most beautiful butterfly painting. She is an art lover.
She is also starting to show her interest toward her opposite gender. Something that needs a special touch of art to handle...like flying a kite, need to know the right moment to loose and to thighten the thread.
Today, I measure her height and she's nearly as tall as I am.
My kind son, Anugrah. The day when I hold him for the first time, 9 November 1997, 7am. When his cries were like music to my ear. When his first walk took me by surprise. When he said his first word 'mama'. When he kept on moving his head side to side, everytime he heard some music. When he sang his first song:
naik eleta api tu..tu..tu..
ciapa enda uyu...
i andung...i aya...
i...ima...i...uya....
The time when he was 'puppyyy'...and sang:
inci inci ider...
limb up the wall of ..out...
And I asked if he had finished his ritual, he answered: 'no' ye'......
The day when he kept on dancing, twisting his body constantly in front of a shop in Sydney while listening to a song 'Walking like an Egyptian'.
I remember my tortured heart when I had to stop breastfeeding him because I had to leave for Australia. I remember my guilty feeling when my husband told me that he searched for me under the bed, even under the pillow.
Nowadays, all he wants to do is to pleased me. He teaches me how to stay floating in the pool, he is very concerned whenever I'm sick, and he keeps on making me some food, even just a toast with nutella, to make sure that I eat properly everytime he sees me working. He always hugs me before sleeping and reading stories together. For my birthday, he treated me like a queen, doing all the works for me.
Today, he makes me smile. He sent me email 'urgent mom must buy nutella now'..how cute...
Today, I measure his height and he is almost as tall as I am...
My children have grown. They no longer need my lullaby songs, but it doesn't mean it is forgotten. I believe that the rhytm of the song echoes in their ears for the rest of their life, and it will pass on to their children and to their next generation.
Do..re....mi...
do.. a deer a female deer,
re..a drop of golden sun,
me..a name I called myself,
far..a long-long way to run,
sew..a needle pulling thread,
la..a note to follow sol,
tea..a drink with jam and bread...
that will bring us back to do....
Rock a bye baby..
rock a bye baby on the tree tops
when the wind blows the craddle will rock
when the bough breaks the cradlle will fall
and down will come baby, craddle and all..
Nugra sleeping..(from the song 'Nina Bobo')
nugra sleeping..oh ...nugra sleeping
if you're not sleeping mosquito will bite you..
It seems like yesterday when I hold little tiny Savira in my arms. I still remember vividly when I wiggled her toes, watched her first step during her first birthday, smiling at her swaying body when she tried to walk steadily, dressed her up and made her hair do with a cute bandana and ribbon. I remember my terrible fear when she was almost drown during bathing, fell from her carriage.
Yesterday and today, Savira has been cooking a delicious pudding caramel. The day before she had succeeded in making the chocolate muffin. For my birthday, Savira presented me with her most beautiful butterfly painting. She is an art lover.
She is also starting to show her interest toward her opposite gender. Something that needs a special touch of art to handle...like flying a kite, need to know the right moment to loose and to thighten the thread.
Today, I measure her height and she's nearly as tall as I am.
My kind son, Anugrah. The day when I hold him for the first time, 9 November 1997, 7am. When his cries were like music to my ear. When his first walk took me by surprise. When he said his first word 'mama'. When he kept on moving his head side to side, everytime he heard some music. When he sang his first song:
naik eleta api tu..tu..tu..
ciapa enda uyu...
i andung...i aya...
i...ima...i...uya....
The time when he was 'puppyyy'...and sang:
inci inci ider...
limb up the wall of ..out...
And I asked if he had finished his ritual, he answered: 'no' ye'......
The day when he kept on dancing, twisting his body constantly in front of a shop in Sydney while listening to a song 'Walking like an Egyptian'.
I remember my tortured heart when I had to stop breastfeeding him because I had to leave for Australia. I remember my guilty feeling when my husband told me that he searched for me under the bed, even under the pillow.
Nowadays, all he wants to do is to pleased me. He teaches me how to stay floating in the pool, he is very concerned whenever I'm sick, and he keeps on making me some food, even just a toast with nutella, to make sure that I eat properly everytime he sees me working. He always hugs me before sleeping and reading stories together. For my birthday, he treated me like a queen, doing all the works for me.
Today, he makes me smile. He sent me email 'urgent mom must buy nutella now'..how cute...
Today, I measure his height and he is almost as tall as I am...
My children have grown. They no longer need my lullaby songs, but it doesn't mean it is forgotten. I believe that the rhytm of the song echoes in their ears for the rest of their life, and it will pass on to their children and to their next generation.
Do..re....mi...
do.. a deer a female deer,
re..a drop of golden sun,
me..a name I called myself,
far..a long-long way to run,
sew..a needle pulling thread,
la..a note to follow sol,
tea..a drink with jam and bread...
that will bring us back to do....
Rock a bye baby..
rock a bye baby on the tree tops
when the wind blows the craddle will rock
when the bough breaks the cradlle will fall
and down will come baby, craddle and all..
Nugra sleeping..(from the song 'Nina Bobo')
nugra sleeping..oh ...nugra sleeping
if you're not sleeping mosquito will bite you..
Thursday, January 10, 2008
If today is the world stealing day, what would you steal from me?
I got a text from my dear sister today. It said "If today is the world stealing day, what would you steal from me?" My answer is :"your brain and your beauty at the most, and your teeth at the least"..hahaha...and what does her husband's most wanted possession of hers? Her teeth!!!! So he can rip it off and throw the teeth as far as they could possibly be....hahaha...she just hates toothbrush!! She even confessed that during her younger age, she brushed the bathroom wall to make a squeeky sound, tricking my late father who frequently eavesdropped in the bathroom door to make sure that we did brush our teeth!! In one of her birthday, her husband lovingly gave her an expensive, electronic german made toothbrush! Hahaha.....
Then, I forwarded the text to one of my friend, and the answer is "surely I would steal your spirit of caring people"...hahaha..sounds like Salvos. Another friend answers "I would not steal anything from you because I'm much much better than you...sorry..." hm......... and other answers "well, can I wait until you get your PhD? Then, I'll steal it..." yeah, you wish!!! The rest of the answers are related to personal tribute (sweetness, smile, cheering, etc) and material (wealth, fashion, etc).
However, the answer from my dearest husband is the most unexpected and the most beautiful one. It takes my breath away....He answers it shortly "Your hurt". I burst into tears.
(It is 1 am now. Alone. My children have gone to sleep. My husband's wishes echos in my ear. One of the best birthday present ever. Two words only. The power of words, lifting my seemingly everlasting burden. I feel like floating, flying. So light. This is my response:
"unexpected answer, thank you. Will always remember it. But you don't have to steal my pain, cause if you are hurt, it's my hurt too. Better throw that away and free ourselves from the pain and let us live. Bravo our little clique of family. I love you even more"
Because I do love him dearly.....
Then, I forwarded the text to one of my friend, and the answer is "surely I would steal your spirit of caring people"...hahaha..sounds like Salvos. Another friend answers "I would not steal anything from you because I'm much much better than you...sorry..." hm......... and other answers "well, can I wait until you get your PhD? Then, I'll steal it..." yeah, you wish!!! The rest of the answers are related to personal tribute (sweetness, smile, cheering, etc) and material (wealth, fashion, etc).
However, the answer from my dearest husband is the most unexpected and the most beautiful one. It takes my breath away....He answers it shortly "Your hurt". I burst into tears.
(It is 1 am now. Alone. My children have gone to sleep. My husband's wishes echos in my ear. One of the best birthday present ever. Two words only. The power of words, lifting my seemingly everlasting burden. I feel like floating, flying. So light. This is my response:
"unexpected answer, thank you. Will always remember it. But you don't have to steal my pain, cause if you are hurt, it's my hurt too. Better throw that away and free ourselves from the pain and let us live. Bravo our little clique of family. I love you even more"
Because I do love him dearly.....
Half way there.....
my precious one,
we are nearly there...
we have traveled half of this long road
we have walked into the path of joy
we have conquered the hardships
and yet, there are more to come...
we hug to seek comfort
we smile to fight loneliness
we are, nevertheless, to let another half way to pass
my precious one,
we are nearly there...
Hope
hope will always find its way..
embracing every soul..
sometimes in the most peculiar ways..
where all doors seem to be closed..
even at its coldest, the sun still shines..
igniting the earth thru the thickness of the branch..
peeking brightly to warm the freezing land..
to warm the soul..
(let your mind breeze the coldness of snow in this hot summer day of 41'c)
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Start believeing..
Sometimes ago, my supervisor commented my work during our meeting...
"I'm not satisfied with your progress..what have you been doing?"..
I'm dumbfounded. Strike 1!!
I can't help to feel hopeless. Yes, I then asked myself the same question. Yes, I haven't done much. Then, who is there to blame?
Aha...my mind quickly points out my status as a single mum in Australia. It is a tough job to care two 'nearly grown up children', right? Do this and that around the house, think this and that to ensure their needs are provided. Wait, that's not all, I also think about my husband who left behind. Long distance relationship adds to the problem, right?? Yes, I find the answer to my own lacking!! But, hang on, aren't they the source of my happiness? aren't they the reason for my decision to go through this journey? Wouldn't it be worse if they are not here besides me?? so, why blame them? They've got nothing to do with my weaknesses!!
Strike 2!!
Think..think..what is in there to blame?? Perhaps, I shall blame my supervisor. She shouldn't say such things to me!! Didn't she understand that I come from different background? that criticism has no place in my culture? Yeah...true..but..
But, what about if the questions were directed to me? that I, too, have to understand their culture? to be bold? to be straightforward as a means of supporting and motivation? Gee, speechless!
Strike 3!! Knock Out!!
Then, I remember that a good friend of mine described me in my friendster.
11/4/2007 4:16 pm
"A mom with good motivation. She can manage family and her study matters well. First time I met her, my English teacher asked me to discuss an issue with her, and I was totally down. She looked very smart. But she told me: "do not feel like that. If you feel down when you face someone, try to ask things". I remember and practice the tip in everyday lives. Thanks for that". (by Melvin)
I feel embarrassed with his comment. It is not merely because I have forgotten what I have said, but most of all, I do not practice what I told him to. For this reason, I have to thank him deeply for his comment. Since then, I reflect my problem and start to look inside, instead of outside. I only have myself to blame!
I realise that I had put myself under the shadow. I'm surrounded by people who, in my eyes, are far more advanced than me. I felt so small. Yes, at times, I lost trust with myself. I didn't consider my body, my brain as my friend. I felt like they had betrayed me. No, I did not believe in myself. A deathly poison that kills everything goods your body has to offer!! As it turned out, I became a lazy person. Denial. Showing my snob that I could do everything without help. What a prick!! I hid my true color behind my hypocrisy.
Thank God I was not carried away, thanks to Melvin, especially also to Sudirman, Nana and Amel. I started to type word by word. Yes, I started to write with ease. No burden for perfection. Until finally I submitted my paper, and I had this comment:
'I'm glad. I'm happy. You are on the right track. You really bring me to the field'.
A home run!!! 1 point in!!
I jump with joy. But not too long, though, cause a day after that, I received an email from Lenore, my supervisor: "keep the momentum, keep producing" along with three journals to read!!! Hahahaa....no resting!!
I become aware that my friends are my mentor, friends in discussion who will enrich my insight knowledge. They are here to share, not to judge, just as I will do for them. I gradually build my trust to myself.
Never will I believe that my breakdown is over, nor I will think that I become a perfect person, cause perfection stops us from developing.
This is what I want to pass on to savira and nugrah:
"Start believing, start with your own body. Make peace with your mind, and let it be your best friend as your mind will never mislead you. Learn from others, but never take advantage of them".
Melbourne, summer 2008, in a hot day of 41'c.
"I'm not satisfied with your progress..what have you been doing?"..
I'm dumbfounded. Strike 1!!
I can't help to feel hopeless. Yes, I then asked myself the same question. Yes, I haven't done much. Then, who is there to blame?
Aha...my mind quickly points out my status as a single mum in Australia. It is a tough job to care two 'nearly grown up children', right? Do this and that around the house, think this and that to ensure their needs are provided. Wait, that's not all, I also think about my husband who left behind. Long distance relationship adds to the problem, right?? Yes, I find the answer to my own lacking!! But, hang on, aren't they the source of my happiness? aren't they the reason for my decision to go through this journey? Wouldn't it be worse if they are not here besides me?? so, why blame them? They've got nothing to do with my weaknesses!!
Strike 2!!
Think..think..what is in there to blame?? Perhaps, I shall blame my supervisor. She shouldn't say such things to me!! Didn't she understand that I come from different background? that criticism has no place in my culture? Yeah...true..but..
But, what about if the questions were directed to me? that I, too, have to understand their culture? to be bold? to be straightforward as a means of supporting and motivation? Gee, speechless!
Strike 3!! Knock Out!!
Then, I remember that a good friend of mine described me in my friendster.
11/4/2007 4:16 pm
"A mom with good motivation. She can manage family and her study matters well. First time I met her, my English teacher asked me to discuss an issue with her, and I was totally down. She looked very smart. But she told me: "do not feel like that. If you feel down when you face someone, try to ask things". I remember and practice the tip in everyday lives. Thanks for that". (by Melvin)
I feel embarrassed with his comment. It is not merely because I have forgotten what I have said, but most of all, I do not practice what I told him to. For this reason, I have to thank him deeply for his comment. Since then, I reflect my problem and start to look inside, instead of outside. I only have myself to blame!
I realise that I had put myself under the shadow. I'm surrounded by people who, in my eyes, are far more advanced than me. I felt so small. Yes, at times, I lost trust with myself. I didn't consider my body, my brain as my friend. I felt like they had betrayed me. No, I did not believe in myself. A deathly poison that kills everything goods your body has to offer!! As it turned out, I became a lazy person. Denial. Showing my snob that I could do everything without help. What a prick!! I hid my true color behind my hypocrisy.
Thank God I was not carried away, thanks to Melvin, especially also to Sudirman, Nana and Amel. I started to type word by word. Yes, I started to write with ease. No burden for perfection. Until finally I submitted my paper, and I had this comment:
'I'm glad. I'm happy. You are on the right track. You really bring me to the field'.
A home run!!! 1 point in!!
I jump with joy. But not too long, though, cause a day after that, I received an email from Lenore, my supervisor: "keep the momentum, keep producing" along with three journals to read!!! Hahahaa....no resting!!
I become aware that my friends are my mentor, friends in discussion who will enrich my insight knowledge. They are here to share, not to judge, just as I will do for them. I gradually build my trust to myself.
Never will I believe that my breakdown is over, nor I will think that I become a perfect person, cause perfection stops us from developing.
This is what I want to pass on to savira and nugrah:
"Start believing, start with your own body. Make peace with your mind, and let it be your best friend as your mind will never mislead you. Learn from others, but never take advantage of them".
Melbourne, summer 2008, in a hot day of 41'c.
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