Start believeing..

Sometimes ago, my supervisor commented my work during our meeting...

"I'm not satisfied with your progress..what have you been doing?"..

I'm dumbfounded. Strike 1!!

I can't help to feel hopeless. Yes, I then asked myself the same question. Yes, I haven't done much. Then, who is there to blame?

Aha...my mind quickly points out my status as a single mum in Australia. It is a tough job to care two 'nearly grown up children', right? Do this and that around the house, think this and that to ensure their needs are provided. Wait, that's not all, I also think about my husband who left behind. Long distance relationship adds to the problem, right?? Yes, I find the answer to my own lacking!! But, hang on, aren't they the source of my happiness? aren't they the reason for my decision to go through this journey? Wouldn't it be worse if they are not here besides me?? so, why blame them? They've got nothing to do with my weaknesses!!

Strike 2!!

Think..think..what is in there to blame?? Perhaps, I shall blame my supervisor. She shouldn't say such things to me!! Didn't she understand that I come from different background? that criticism has no place in my culture? Yeah...true..but..

But, what about if the questions were directed to me? that I, too, have to understand their culture? to be bold? to be straightforward as a means of supporting and motivation? Gee, speechless!

Strike 3!! Knock Out!!

Then, I remember that a good friend of mine described me in my friendster.

11/4/2007 4:16 pm

"A mom with good motivation. She can manage family and her study matters well. First time I met her, my English teacher asked me to discuss an issue with her, and I was totally down. She looked very smart. But she told me: "do not feel like that. If you feel down when you face someone, try to ask things". I remember and practice the tip in everyday lives. Thanks for that". (by Melvin)

I feel embarrassed with his comment. It is not merely because I have forgotten what I have said, but most of all, I do not practice what I told him to. For this reason, I have to thank him deeply for his comment. Since then, I reflect my problem and start to look inside, instead of outside. I only have myself to blame!

I realise that I had put myself under the shadow. I'm surrounded by people who, in my eyes, are far more advanced than me. I felt so small. Yes, at times, I lost trust with myself. I didn't consider my body, my brain as my friend. I felt like they had betrayed me. No, I did not believe in myself. A deathly poison that kills everything goods your body has to offer!! As it turned out, I became a lazy person. Denial. Showing my snob that I could do everything without help. What a prick!! I hid my true color behind my hypocrisy.

Thank God I was not carried away, thanks to Melvin, especially also to Sudirman, Nana and Amel. I started to type word by word. Yes, I started to write with ease. No burden for perfection. Until finally I submitted my paper, and I had this comment:

'I'm glad. I'm happy. You are on the right track. You really bring me to the field'.

A home run!!! 1 point in!!

I jump with joy. But not too long, though, cause a day after that, I received an email from Lenore, my supervisor: "keep the momentum, keep producing" along with three journals to read!!! Hahahaa....no resting!!

I become aware that my friends are my mentor, friends in discussion who will enrich my insight knowledge. They are here to share, not to judge, just as I will do for them. I gradually build my trust to myself.

Never will I believe that my breakdown is over, nor I will think that I become a perfect person, cause perfection stops us from developing.

This is what I want to pass on to savira and nugrah:

"Start believing, start with your own body. Make peace with your mind, and let it be your best friend as your mind will never mislead you. Learn from others, but never take advantage of them".

Melbourne, summer 2008, in a hot day of 41'c.